you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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