Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize