ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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