My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
