mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
well you can't waste a boner
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Randomize
