I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Randomize
