Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
