I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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