forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
