I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Randomize
