I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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