Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize