Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
