Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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