if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
