So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
