I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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