the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
