Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
