Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
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