Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I know her cup size but not her name....
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