1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
