What's proper 1 nite stand etiquette?
Say hi to his dad and make him some breakfast.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Randomize
