can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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