Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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