we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
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