OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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