Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
Randomize
