do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
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