dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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