Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Randomize
