Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
