I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
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