thus making me awesome and them whores
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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