I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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