Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
