i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
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