It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
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