Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
