dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
