I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
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