Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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