Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
accomplished twins. life is a go
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
