Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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