dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
