dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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