K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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