i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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