my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
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