**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Randomize
