My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
