I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Randomize
