No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
