Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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