I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
check it out our google latitudes are spooning
the condom got lost in my hair
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
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