I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
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