I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Randomize
