I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
