Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
