when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
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