U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
